India, the whole of it. Now this really isn’t a fair assessment of India because I’ve only been through a few of its poorest states, but still, here’s what I’ve decided…India is like a dominatrix that’s really a submissive. You know the kind, wild and somewhat unruly, taunts you with obscenities until you pull their hair and smack ‘em on the ass with a bamboo cane. Maybe throw in some hot wax until they understand that you’re the boss. That’s India.

The thing is, I only got to the hairpulling stage. And by that, I mean I was pulling out my own hair. Though, I’m not an Indian, I found myself doing the wobbly-bobbly-head-nodding they do when they are confused or feel the need to acknowledge your existence but not your complaint. My wobbly-bobbly-head impersonation was heavily weighted toward confusion. I’ve been to plenty of dysfunctional, third world countries but India is a surreal cornucopia of chaos. I mean I’d like to eventually smack its ass but to what end? So I can feel like I conquered the place? That hardly seems right. Especially, when it’s me that’s paying them to essentially crap in what amounts to be nothing more than bucket. Damn public restrooms.

Here’s what gets me. They have an incredibly burgeoning IT industry yet they’re telecom networks are for shit. Pretty much just a step up from a rotary phone. They have some of the best doctors and medical facilities in the world yet they live in absolute squalor and filth at such a tremendous scale it’s mindboggling. They have a richly diverse and epic history with legendary treasures and monuments however they try to nickle and dime you to death with constant bait and switch scams. It’s hard to wrap my head around it.

Like I said though, this isn’t entirely fair. It would be like someone going to the deep south and making the generalization that all Americans suck apple sauce through straws and enjoy the intimate company of goats.

While I’m clearly encouraging people to steer clear of this sub-continent, which is very deserving of the “sub” prefix, I do plan to go back to India…but not before procuring a gimp mask and a paddle. You know, to whip her back in line.