Polyester Purgatory

I love tackiness and thought a side trip to Branson would be fun. Well, my compadre requested a hotel that had a fitness center. We found a hotel that met our criteria and made reservations.. Upon arrival, the “fitness center” was a room with a broken-down foosball table. This was but a harbinger of the Branson Experience. We had asked around to find out which show was the do not miss show. Well, we scored two tickets to the hottest show in town which featured a Japanese electric violin playing Liberace wanna be, (who did not speak much English) his platinum haired ex-beauty pageant wife and toddler with tiara daughter. The back up was provided by a cast of Up With People rejects. The audience was full of overweight RV traveling fans who screamed with excitement at the brilliance of it all. The theatre bathroom featured golden sinks and toilets, and opulence reminiscent of Versailles. During the show my companion turned to me and said “This isn’t very good” and we felt like Frankenstein hounded by the townsfolk as we were hissed and shushed by the reverent audience. I, the self-proclaimed Queen of Tack could not make it through the show. In searching for a meal, we finally arrived at The Golden Corral, hoping for a salad bar. The salads were made of jello and I had an allergic reaction to polyester. We packed up before the night was through and fled, speeding by the outlet malls into the night. Never, never would I wish my worst enemy a trip to Branson, Missouri.